Bank: Good afternoon, Valued Customer! Cute hair! How may I help you?
Me: Oh wow, you’re so nice! Well, you can begin with helping me take control of my financial situation.
Bank: Oooooh, tell me more.
Me: I have had the same bank account since I was 18. It began as an undergraduate account, then became a graduate account, and now is just a normal, every day current account.
Bank: Mmhm, mmhm.
Me: The thing is, I don’t earn very much money at the moment, and I live in my overdraft, racking up lots of debit interest; about £250 in the past six months.
Bank: Wow, that IS a lot!
Me: I know! And the fact that you are the bank saying that’s a lot doesn’t scare me at ALL. Anyhoo, I would like to discuss how you and I can help me get out of my overdraft.
Bank: Ok, super. Let’s just take a look at your bank account here.
Me: Ok, while you take a long time looking at my account, I’ll look at all the other people and wonder why they all look so sad; this place is GREAT!
Bank: Righty ho. It looks like we have a problem. Your income is rather erratic, and your spending is rather high.
Me: This is true. I currently have a job that pays fornightly for shift work, and my rent is approximately 70% of my monthly earnings. Oh and the debit interest is very high.
Bank: I know, right?! Crazy. Well, basically, one thing I could do is give you a loan to pay off your overdraft, which you could pay back to us.
Bank: Except I’m not going that do that.
Bank: Pretend like we’re in school, and every bank customer is a pupil taking a test, the score of which is out of 100. Do you follow me?
Me: Oh, yeah! Being talked to like I’m five is my favourite. Please continue.
Bank: To be seen as a “good pupil” your score needs to be 50, ideally 55. Your current score is 39.
Me: Ok. How can I make it not 39?
Bank: By paying off your overdraft and not using it.
Me: Which you’re not going to help me do.
Bank: Correct. You could also pay off any outstanding credit card bills you might have.
Me: I’ve never owned a credit card.
Bank: Why ever not?
Me: Because I was afraid of getting myself into a financial situation I couldn’t get out of.
Bank: Oh, wow. Bet you feel like a silly goose now, eh?
Me: So what else can I do to get out of my overdraft?
Bank: Earn more money!
Me: OF COURSE.
And with that I marched down the street, safe in the knowledge that ALL my financial problems were o -
Me: … Waaaaaait a second. EXCUSE ME.
Bank: Oh hey, you! Cute hair.
Me: Yes, I know. Let’s say, hypothetically, that my income is unlikely to go up any time soon, but I AM about to move into a new house where the rent and bills will be cheaper. What happens then?
Bank: Oh, well, if your spending goes down enough that you’ll be able to leave your overdraft untouched for four months, then you’ll be a “good pupil” and we can give you a loan!
Me: … That I will no longer need because I am… out of my overdraft.
Bank: Now you’re getting it!
Me: Right, but, while my income is erratic, my rent is high, and you pocket a high debit interest because I’m stuck in my overdraft, I AM STILL STUCK IN MY OVERDRAFT.
Bank: Oh, I see, and that’s a problem for you?
Me: YES. Is there anything else I can do?
Bank: You could apply for a credit card with another bank?
Me: Are they likely to award me with a credit card?
Bank: Oh GOD, no.
Me: Is there nothing else I can do?
Bank: Not really… well I suppose you could rob a bank! Hahaha! How funny.
Me: Yes. Yes, this whole thing is very, very funny.
Bank: Is there anything else I can help you with?
Me: Do you have a time machine so that I can go back and sort out my finances?
Bank: No. Just a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, but we already used that during the banking crisis. With your money, actually. Cheers, by the way.
Me: Any time. Well, this has been sufficiently demoralising. Thank you.
Bank: Oh, come now. All’s not lost. You still have great hair.
Me: Would you like to buy it?
Bank: LOL. No. Now get out.