Lies my parents told me

Every Tuesday evening I run a pub quiz at The Wandle in Earlsfield and every week for extra points the teams are set a ‘napkin challenge’.

This week it was, ‘Lies my parents told me’. While not all of these are thigh-slappingly hilarious, some of them are lovely/heartbreaking/fucking depressing.

• Everyone has three nipples.
• One time my terrapin died. My Mum told me he went to the farm. For years I proudly told my friends that my terrapin was living on a farm. On my 21st birthday my Mum told me, “Your terrapin died, Steve.” Sorry this isn’t very funny but to me this is therapy.
• Ginger children happen when wives cheat on their husbands. My brother has ‘strawberry blond’ hair.
• God exists.
• When the ice cream van plays music it’s run out of ice cream.
• When I was little my Mum told me that aliens had dropped me off when I was a baby and that they would pick me up when I was 18. I believed her until I was 12.
• That I could grow up to be anything I wanted. Hilarious.
• The reason tennis courts are flat is because elephants have matches at night.
• You’ll grow into your looks.
• That Narnia was real. I hung out in my cupboard for hours.
• That Mum’s breasts were real.
• You’re not adopted, you’re just very tanned.
• We were jumping on the bed.

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